You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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