She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
