I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
