one might say we're banned from that church
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
