tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
