Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
