It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
