You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You did what with his pubic hair?
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