I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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