Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize