I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
