thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
