There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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