Your face is a jimmy john
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
