I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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