I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That accounts for only three of the penises
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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