it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Girls should come with a carfax report
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize