Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
this is an emotional support booty call
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
