Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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