it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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