you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I lost the right to judge tonight
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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