My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize