I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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