Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
