Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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