Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
