My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
