Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
