your parents love me but you hate me
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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