I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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