When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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