we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
