you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
