maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
