Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
