hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
