You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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