I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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