So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
