When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
