Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
