Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
