If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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