Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
