Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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