turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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