I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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