saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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