the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
