I wish you could order shots online.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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