he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
