During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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