What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
