Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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