I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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