Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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